2005, I volunteered to do a demonstration IFS session at the Cape Cod Institute with Richard Schwartz in front of about 100 people. 

Participants had agreed to hold demonstrations and the material in the workshop confidential.

After the demonstration, a woman said, “I wouldn’t let a client of mine act like that in my office,” criticizing the inner work I had just shared with incredible vulnerability. 

This opened a floodgate of criticisms: “That didn’t help me at all.” “I want to see a different demonstration.” 

I sat in front of 100 people, hearing these women criticize me, telling me my work was (what I heard) “no good” and I was HUMILIATED. DEVASTATED. SHAMED. 

Richard told me to go sit down. He didn’t do anything to stop these criticisms; he just complied and did another “better” demo, more to their liking. To his credit, he later apologized to me in person, but I was burning with shame, and the shame burned DEEP. 

It took me about 10 years to fully heal from this attack. 

But that’s not all!

Halfway around the country in Chicago, I was standing in the hallway of the IFS conference a few months later. A woman was gossiping about some “crazy woman who follows Richard all around the country, doing IFS demonstrations with him.” She was talking about how this “crazy woman” had done a very off-putting demonstration at the Cape Cod Institute that summer. 

I walked right up to her and said, “I’m the woman.” 

She almost fell backwards! She began to apologize, explaining SHE HAD NOT BEEN THERE and had heard about this SECOND HAND. 

? As if that makes it better to break confidentiality a SECOND time, after people in the training clearly broke it so profoundly the first time that I was hearing about how “crazy” I am, halfway around the country, months afterwards? 

Morals of the story: 

1. Don’t criticize someone who just did an IFS demonstration. Sharing IFS work is vulnerable and it is DEEPLY harmful to criticize someone after they open themselves up to heal and to share their healing with you. 

2. Do NOT gossip in any way, shape or form about someone’s work. Confidentiality is more than just not using someone’s name; it’s not spreading their story. The IFS community is smaller than you know. Now you know how I know! 

Cape Cod has old, amazing graveyards! I roamed around and took pictures like this.