Our Friendly, Loving Safety Agreement

Clarity about our purpose: 

To deepen our capacity to do IFS with ourselves and clients, and to develop our Self-leadership as human beings 

Choice: 
You are free to censor what you disclose. No is a complete sentence. You are at CHOICE. Our group is small, so we can co-create it together. 

Confidentiality: 
All material everyone shares should be treated as confidential and should not be shared with people who are not members of this group. Even using a first name and seemingly editing details out can cause harm and comes under the umbrella of confidentiality. Share YOUR experiences, and how other people made you feel — not other people’s stories, unless you have their EXPRESS PERMISSION. 

Speak up for Safety: 
If you are having difficulty with something that’s triggered you, PLEASE speak for your parts, either directly in the group or as soon as you can afterwards. Please LISTEN to your parts when they tell you what they need in order to feel safe. Safety is our number one value. When you speak for your safety needs, you speak for the safety needs of the whole group. 

Speaking for parts, not from parts: 
To the extent that you can, speaking for parts, not from them, will help us maintain safety when sharing in the group. 

Embodying parts: 
During coaching demos, in distinction to other times during the group, feel free to speak FROM parts and to experiment with embodying them. The difference between blending and embodying is: when you are blended, you are in a part and you don’t know you are in a part. When you embody a part, you are in a part and YOU and the part BOTH know you are ‘being’ the part. 

Speaking for parts, not from them details: 
When a feeling or need arises, instead of saying, “I feel uncomfortable with that….” I invite you to say, “A part of me feels uncomfortable with that.” Even if it feels stilted, I invite you to lean into this practice, as it is one of the foundational elements of bringing IFS alive in consciousness. 

If someone happens to speak FROM a part, saying, “I don’t like when you (Melissa) said managers are xyz…” I MAY step in to help translate the language of speaking FROM a part into speaking FOR a part, so that we can keep the energy of differentiation FROM parts alive. 

This is to help keep the group safe AND to help people practice this juicy IFS skill. I invite us all to lean into this space of speaking FOR not FROM parts in a loose and friendly way. 

I'm not going to insist every sentence is ‘perfect,’ as there is no such thing. I'm just letting you know that as part of our foundation of safety, we’re all invited to lean in to this ONE skill of speaking for, not from, parts. 

No Coercion: 
"Thank you, for letting me, be myself!” In this group, we will follow the guideline of “no crosstalk.” This means that if one person shares, what they share is allowed to blossom into the flower of its own fullness, without anyone else adding to it, giving advice in response, or reacting against it. 

If what someone says inspires you, saying, “When I hear you say xyz, I notice in me that I have a part who feels…” is appropriate. 

If what someone says triggers a part of you, and that part says, “Oh, I hear how hard it is for you!! If you meditate more you won’t feel that way!” then, I will gently and lovingly take a moment to address this as an instance of crosstalk and do a repair. 

The repair consists of: 
—noticing a part was triggered to give advice / engage in crosstalk 
—have compassion for the part who was triggered
—rephrase speaking FROM the part to speaking FOR the part
—apologize for the crosstalk
We can all make mistakes and we can all be invited to a quick repair — including me! We’re all together to learn with open hearts, and when crosstalk happens (and it does), I invite us all to simmer in the juices of Self energy, where we really are okay as we are, we really can make mistakes and still be okay, and we really can repair and re-connect! Which is exactly what we will do. 

If you want to read many, many, many examples of cross-talk and repair, I invite you to read my substack at https://radicalifs.substack.com. One of the most common ways parts makes other parts crazy, is cross-talk! It’s one of the top things I work on in my own personality, and I try to get creative with the repair process. So I want to normalize it and also invite us all to feel comfortable with the reality that if we are in relationship, we WILL need to repair. Rupture and repair is the warp and woof, the fabric of relationship. There is NO relationship without rupture. Guaranteed. It is part of our basic humanity.

Timeliness: 
We are making a commitment to start and to end on time. Please let me know if you will be late or absent — it increases a sense of safety and strengthens the container. 

Support and responsibility: 
Ultimately, the only person who can keep you fully safe in a group is you. I want to do everything I can to make this group a safe space to learn, to go inside, and to share, in whatever ways feel right for you — but you are responsible for listening to the sometimes difficult-to-hear voices who tell you what they REALLY need to be safe. 

This group is purposely small so that there is space for you to speak for your parts, to share in the ways that feel right for you, and to deepen in your connection to yourself. 

If things arise as a result of the group, please reach out to your support network or get support, as sometimes a little bit of IFS goes a LONG way. Just entering into a group where parts are being recognized, respected, described, and worked with can be a LOT. 

You are not crazy if you get triggered, it’s ULTRA NORMAL!

Thank you for your commitment to this safety agreement!